OK Oscar

Hello, old friend. It's been awhile. And yet again, the red carpet recap is a bit on the untimely side. Maybe I've spent too much time developing theories regarding Tom Cruise's cosmetic return to the yester-90s, when he was but a poster on Katie Holmes' wall. Seriously, I wanted Jack Nicholson (who was uncharacteristically low-key or absent) to stand up and yell, "You cant handle the truth!" But alas! I will keep my unrelenting judgements of the garment selections of sashaying 1 percenters at bay no longer.

On the whole, I found this year's choices kind of... eh. Not a whole lot of show-stoppers, or wild trainwrecks (hello, Bjork swan dress!). No one will probably remember any of these gowns, save for perhaps the one that inspired a ridiculous leg pose meme involving an anemic-looking Angelina Jolie. So I'll give a brief overview of this meh-diocre red carpet outing. Let's go!

I don't know who Anne-Sophie Bion is but this tarp she's "rocking" could have used a few passes over it with a steamer before parading it out onto the most important red carpet of the year. I literally find it offensive. Though Ke$ha would probably be proud.

Ok, so everyone loved Gwenyth Paltrow's look. My bias against her as an obnoxious starlet aside, I think the look is too costumey. The clean lines of it were beautiful, but the cape and white cuff made me immediately reference Star Wars garb.

Everybody also went crazy for Stacy Keibler, Clooney's arm candy du jours, but I did not care for the hip protrusion on the gown. The gold, however, was Oscar perfect.

I feel like I would really love this dress on someone else. It's body-conscious and full of glitz--perfect for a leading lady, not the perma-typecast rom-com bff. Sorry, Judy Greer.

Giuliana Rancic looks divine. The dress is so feminine and classic in cut, evoking the proverbial "old Hollywood glamour."

This is seriously the best Kristen Wiig has looked. Her dark hair looks great and I just love the nude colored gown for a look that is simple, yet playful in the ruffled skirt.

Dramatic single shoulder. Sparkle. Romantic hair. Bold red lip. Awesome look, Milla Jovovich. Awesome!

Glenn Close... I love. Seriously. There are few women who could work a blazer and gown with a train with such grace and absolute style. She's age appropriate, yet totally modern. Love.

Michelle Williams is a unique case for me. She has a style that I would never, ever wear, and that I don't necessarily even like in and of itself. But for her it absolutely works. I respect and appreciate that this dress is perfection, because its quirky femininity is just right for her. It's fantastic.

And that puts a wrap on yet another red carpet season! Time to turn my attention to other things... like trying to come to terms with the 2011 college football season. Yeah... still not there yet.